SHOW NOTES

Ep. 78 -
Here's how my response has changed over the years when a student says, 
“I’m just no good at this.” (whatever ‘THIS’ is) 
Or “I hate _____”   -  a subject, a type of task - like an essay or a speech - or maybe a text they’re reading.

The thing is, it's not realistic to think that they're going to love or be good at everything. 
So, I no longer try to convince them that it's actually great or useful. 
But instead, I tend to acknowledge and hear their feelings, 
and show them how to 'embrace the suck'!


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TRANSCRIPT:
 

You’re listening to The Parents of Hardworking Teens Podcast, episode number 78 - how I respond when a student says “I’m just no good at this” whatever ‘THIS’ is. Or “I hate this”- a subject, a type of task, like an essay or a speech,  a book they’re reading … they just don’t like or enjoy or get on well with something but they have to study it. So, if your teen has ever uttered anything like this, or you've tried to convince them of the fact that this is really useful, or here's the great things about it, just like I have done in the past, then this episode is for you. 

Hey VIPs! I hope you’re well and looking forward to the end of term, the end of the year here in Australia. Or, if your teen’s in the upper year groups, maybe they’ve already finished.  Well, you’ll be glad to know that this week’s episode is full of the joys of the festive season...not! With the theme of I’m no good at this, or I just really don’t like this. Cheerful and joyful, right?!

I wanted to talk about this now, because it’s come up a couple of times in my work recently, so it’s top of mind. So, this is for those of you with teens who’ve decided that they’re just no good at something. Or who just hate something they’re HAVING to study. Whether that something is a core subject they have to study. A novel they have to read. A topic they have to research. And I’m going to share how I’ve changed my reaction, and my advice to students over the years when this comes up. It might be a little bit different from other advice you might’ve heard or what you’ve tried before. It might even be unpopular. It’s almost the end of the year. I’m going to throw it out there and see.

Now, this episode is actually inspired by two people. By a student I worked with recently, which I’ll tell you about in a moment and by a parent - podcast listener Robyn- who sent a lovely email a few weeks ago with a  couple of requests of topics for me to cover on the podcast, and I’m kinda gonna talk about two of them in one here: my tips for mindset shifting on "I'm not good at this" and what to do when you struggle with English, but MUST do it for whatever it is you want to DO with your life after High School.

By the way - if you have any questions or requests of what you’d like me to cover here on the podcast, then you can email them through to support@rocksolidstudy.com and we’ll add them to my big spreadsheet of ideas and thoughts and things to cover on future episodes. I won’t promise that I’ll cover all of them, some things I get asked about just aren’t really in my area of expertise, but I always want to share more of what you would like, if its something I can help with. 

Then the second person that sparked this was a Y8 student I worked with a couple of days ago as she was doing some exam prep or revision practise questions in a maths class that I was covering on a day of relief teaching. And the first thing she said as I walked over to her with her hand up was “I can’t do any of this.” No, “can you help me with part X?” Or I’m a bit stuck ‘here’. It was very dramatic. But understandable. We’ve likely all had moments like that where we feel overwhelmed or a bit defeated, or that this shouldn’t be this hard. And that last point - shouldn’t be this hard, is a key point I’m going to get into in a minute. 

Now of course, neither of those statements were true. She could do some aspects of that question and she could do some of the easier Qs in the topic.  But as I helped her with a couple of questions, explaining things, she was really struggling, bless her. I could just see how hard she was having to think and focus in order to ‘get it’. 
So I wasn’t going to sit there and say, “Don’t be silly of course you can do this”. Which I think is our instinct sometimes. Or I know it is for me. Because we tend to focus on the things theycan do, we want them to focus on their strengths AND we want to help them feel better in that moment. We want to give them a boost of confidence. But that doesn’t work if they don’t believe it themselves, and with more experience over the years, I’ve changed my tune a bit and switched up how I react. 

Firstly, I respond with more practical help. For example, I asked her ‘it sounds like you’re a bit overwhelmed by the Q - is that how you feel?’ And she said yes. So I asked, if you had some clear steps on how to tackle it, would that help? And so we went through chunking down some of the points and steps and I do think that is a big part of things. 
If students could see or have some specific steps and a system to things, that helps a lot, which as you know is really what underpins all of the training that I do with students. I think strategies and techniques do help give confidence and clarity and more successful outcomes. 

I also said that it was okay that she was finding it hard. And it was okay that she isn’t loving Maths right now - maybe ever. And this is the first point that I felt might be helpful to share and focus on today - that I’ve found has been more helpful to share with students than just. “What - that’s not true!” Maths is amazing, or ‘You’re great at Maths - you got that last Q right” - which is, basically disagreeing with them, telling them they’re wrong, trying to convince them of something. Not that we don’t want to show them the positives, but we can’t pretend that life is all good or easy all of the time. And actually, maybe it’s more helpful to consider that it’s not supposed to be.

So, the first point is that none of us is going to be naturally brilliant at everything. In school or in life.  And I think that, from my memories of school, it’s those students who are great at things that stand out. We really notice the kid who’s great at sport or awesome at Maths and just blitzes the questions, or naturally amazing at drama and singing. They stand out. But they stand out, we notice them, for a reason. That’s a thing they’re good at. There will for sure be things they aren’t good at and there will for sure be things that your teen IS good at. They might be nothing to do with school, but there might be ways they can still find a benefit with that. Because if there are some things they’re not naturally good at, but they still have to study them, then that is a challenge, and they then get to consider how they want to tackle that challenge.

We could acknowledge that if we’re finding something difficult, then this is a more challenging thing for us. But, this is where I’m quite picky with my wording. We acknowledge it. And for me, acknowledging something is different to just accepting it and giving up. We don’t try to brush over it or ignore it, or pretend otherwise. It  just means that this is something  we’ll have to work a bit harder at, or find some better ways to tackle it. Engage and build that grit and determination and resourcefulness and the the identity of being someone who ‘can do hard things’.  Because these are life skills and characteristics that we can probably all agree are helpful to develop in life. 

Soooo… Maybe, we could use this as an opportunity to build that muscle of working hard on something. Of putting in the time and effort even when it’s not easy or we don’t want to. Of knowing that something didn’t just come naturally to us, that we earned the result.  Maybe, instead of thinking this SHOULDN’T be this hard. Maybe this is an opportunity to build those strengths - not necessarily to become super strong in Maths or public speaking or whatever it is - though that may be a great side-benefit, but to become stronger in resilience and resourcefulness and determination and being able to do hard things. 

And similarly, not only will there be some areas that we find hard, there will also be some things that we just don’t like or enjoy. Maybe your teen ‘hates’ a certain subject, - I know hate is a strong word- but its the most common phrase or word I hear - I hate History, I hate Shakespeare. Or maybe they hate having to present or hate group work - honestly, did anyone ever enjoy group work? It was always painful in my memory, but maybe that was just me.  Well, again the good and the bad news is - that’s normal.
Totally normal.

It’s normal that we will have to do things sometimes that we’re not good at, or that we don’t like. And so this is not actually a problem. It’s part of life. We’re right on track for being prepared for life here.

So these days, rather than ‘oh but it’s great - this is actually super cool and this is so interesting and here’s why it’s useful” - what I tend to say to students is that ‘that’s okay. You don’t have to like it. Have you done things before that you didn’t want to do? Did you survive? Are you still alive?” I love a trick question. Where the only answer is to agree with me. I did say this might not all go down 100% well didn’t I?

Because, Yes, I could tell them all the reasons this subject or skill is important for life, or all the ways they might need it in future. And yes, I do believe that having certain subjects or certain grades under your belt potentially provides greater opportunities. I’ve never had a student who’s responded to any of that with “you know what Miss, I might perhaps, maybe need this in future, so I’m going to try my very best at it and be fully engaged as if I were also actually enjoying it.” Never happened. And what I’ve found is that rather than convincing them of some possible future, what works better is something that resonates with them right now. Something that actually agrees with, acknowledges and works with or alongside, how they’re feeling in that moment. 

So, I tend to err these days more on the side of “I get it. Not everybody likes Maths, or hardly anyone likes public speaking. Or yes, this is challenging.” They like it when I agree with them. They’re expecting me to talk them out of it. So it kinda blindsides them for a moment. And then I swoop in with “but you know what this could be an amazing opportunity for?

This is a great time to train yourself in being able to do hard things. Do you think that people who get where they want in life, get the job you might want, the lifestyle you want - do you think they might have to do that? This could be a great opportunity to practise the skill of making yourself do something even when you don’t want to.”
It can even be good to compare it to a celebrity or a public figure, someone they follow or admire. I might ask them - about someone they look up to - and then ask: do you think there are aspects of their job or their life that they weren’t good at or didn’t enjoy but still did it anyway to get to where they are now? 

The top sportsperson is not jumping out of bed with joy every single morning at 4.30am.

There are days they don’t want to train, get out of bed, run that extra lap, whatever it is. But they make themselves do it because they want the outcome.  

Is the outcome guaranteed? No. That’s where getting support or systems and strategies comes in. Hard work in itself doesn’t guarantee a result. But considering, how did they manage to do that? Get them into problem-solving mode. Maybe they found steps, strategies, systems to help them do it. Maybe they found a way to make it more fun. Maybe they got help along the way. Maybe they practised loads and loads and loads. Your teen could give all those things a go. That’s the difference between acknowledging it and deciding - okay - this is the situation and how do I want to respond to that? What support could I get? How hard am I prepared to work? Compared to just rolling over and admitting defeat or staying in complaining mode, seeing it as purely a negative.

I’m not saying they should be delighted that this thing is not fun or is hard or challenging for them. But it could be hard and not fun AND an opportunity to build the bigger life skills that will serve them when they eventually do get to choose what they do want to do. And of course, maybe they’ll also widen those options and that choice along the way too 🙂

Have a wonderful rest of your week. I’ll meet you back here again next week. Two more episodes after this til we break for the holidays. And they’re gonna be good ones! See you then - bye!