Episode 8: Supporting Your Teen - Parent Vs. Coach
LISTEN AND FOLLOW ON:
You want to support your teen as their parent,
but you also want to help them with their study.
BUT, very often...
they don't want to take your advice (because... teenagers)
- or -
you're not sure how best to help them (we never even got to see, let alone understand the rubric or success criteria in our day!)
- or -
you end up walking on eggshells, trying to balance helpful suggestions with constructive criticism, and maintain the delicate balance of parent-teen relations.
Today we’re going to talk about the similarities and differences between the roles of Parent and Coach for your teen in their study...
AND how your teen can have BOTH.
Listen in if:
Your teen has ever shunned your advice when you’ve tried to help with their study and maybe even given you the bonus eye roll or tut in the process ;) (yep, this was me as a teenager - and not just in my study - sorry mum!).
You’d like to be able to help more, maybe they want you to help them, but you’re not always sure about how best to do that.
You’re curious about the sort of coaching I do with students and how you can get your teen in on it.
I have a question - Has your teen ever shunned your advice when you’ve tried to help with their study? Maybe even given you the bonus eye roll, tut in the process.
(Yep, this was me- and not just in my study - sorry mum).
Or, maybe you’d like to be able to help more, maybe they want you to help them, but you’re not always sure about how best to do that.
Or maybe you’re just curious about the sort of coaching I do with students.
Well, today we’re going to talk about the similarities and differences between the roles of parent and coach for your teen in their study AND how your teen can have both.
Hi VIP’s! Now, before I get into today’s episode, and it’s going to be a juicy one, I want to let you know that right now, I’m delivering for free - my 5 Step Plan for Parents Of Teens Aiming HIGH in Exams. I’m hosting everything inside a private Facebook group that you can get access to at: www.gradetransformation.com/group.
So if you haven’t already joined, and you’re listening to this while the group is still up and running from the 18th to 22nd July, then come and join me and a small group of other like minded parents to discover the exact steps to having your teen FINALLY get the results they REALLY want - even if they’re already doing everything they’re told to by their teachers. Now, all the recordings will be there for you to catch up if you need to, so you’re totally welcome to walk in late. And I’ve got prize giveaways, including my essay title swipe file and even a personal coaching session with me for your teen. So definitely come join us there. And if you’re not on Facebook - no worries. We also have a special private webpage called - the 5 Steps Homeroom - where we’ll also be posting all the recordings of the live sessions so you don’t have to miss out. Just join through that same link: www.gradetransformation.com/group and you’ll receive a confirmation email with a link to the homeroom.
Now, let’s get into today’s topic: the roles of parent Vs coach.
And when I say parent at any time in the name of this podcast, in my webinars, in my free guide, I do mean anyone who is acting in the role of primary carer, no matter what your official title, or relation.
In fact I should really say parent AND coach. Not versus.
Because I know that a lot of you are being both, and I know that some of you listening have your teen in Next Level Coaching, so you get to be fully in the role parent, and me and the Next Level team get to take the part of coach.
Now, I should say, in case there’s anyone who’s new to me and doesn’t know, I am not a parent - so there will no parenting advice on this episode, or in fact anywhere in this podcast.
I do have a dog, Bonnie, who me and my husband always joke is pretty much like a teenager. She will often push the boundaries (yep, we have a lot of rules - she needed a TON of training when we got her), plus, her other teenager traits - she can be a bit too smart for her own good, she is smart, and sometimes a little bit too smart. She seems to know whats happening before we do sometimes. And she always wants a sticky-beak into whatever’s going on, her nick-name at the shelter we got her from was Miss sticky-beak, BUT she usually just shrugs off a hug or a pat, unless it is a belly rub, which she loves, and in contrast to what her adoption page said at the rescue centre, she does NOT love cuddles. I vividly remember her description. Super-smart and loves cuddles. They got that half right. She’s not aggressive or anything, but she’s just not a snuggly cuddly dog. I like to think of her as an independent female. She’d rather have her own whole half of the sofa than cuddle up on my lap. But we keep on loving her anyway - we say that we love her against her will. Sort of like a teenager.
Plus, much more importantly and relevantly, I also have over 16 years worth of experience of working with teenagers as a teacher, tutor and study coach. I’ve seen those not so discreet eye rolls, I’ve heard what they say to their friends at lunch. Plus, I was a fairly classic teenager myself. Not so much with pushing the boundaries, I’ve always been a bit of a goody-two-shoes, but definitely the eye rolls, being pretty ungrateful and generally thinking my parents had no clue about life… all the usual things.
So, as I was prepping for this episode, I decided to look up the definition of coaching.
And the google says that to coach is to give instruction or advice.
I think that’s pretty good, but what I actually love are some of the synonyms for the verb coached: they are: taught, educated, managed, corrected, prepared, informed, developed - and interestingly, one of the synonyms was ‘fitted’ which I actually really like, because to me, that is about the personalised element of coaching.
And these are the sorts of words I would use to describe my work with students in my Next Level Coaching Program. To me, coaching is working more closely with students, to specifically identify their strengths to optimise and their areas to work on, to develop.
The verb I give to delivering my 10 Week Grade Transformation Program is training.
It’s teaching them the concepts and having them practise them and understand them.
To me, that is training. Learning something new and practising it, or building on the basics they might already have some grasp of.
In fact, side note - I actually have a lot of students in the 10WGT - in fact I’d even say probably a disproportionate amount - where at least one of their parents is a teacher, but as their parents have told me, they just don’t want to take the academic advice or training or coaching from their parent. But as a teacher, their parent knows that the training will benefit them.
So, how is being a coach similar and different to being a parent?
I think it’s safe to say that both of us want your child to achieve their potential, achieve their goals, build their self-confidence and pride, be set up for success, and be resilient in the face of challenges and learn from failures when things don’t go to plan.
But there are different ways to do this.
So, we’re both working to the same outcome, but go about it differently. We both have different skillsets, approaches and connections.
And if you end up tackling a situation as a coach or teacher, when they really want you to be a parent, or vice-versa, that can cause - let’s call it a dent in or a bit of a break down in ‘parent-teen relations’.
For example, both you as the parent and me or any coach, want to build confidence.
But a coach will do that by building your teen’s capabilities, their skillset, their mindset.
A parent will more likely build their teen’s confidence through love, and building their sense of self-worth.
Both parent and coach want to provide support. And they both do that by being encouraging and recognising and celebrating strengths. But as a parent, you’ll provide more of the emotional support, and a coach will provide tactical or strategic support.
Teenagers want to feel understood. And as a parent you’ll provide that understanding - or try to - by discussing their personal challenges or queries. A coach will discuss their challenges and queries in relation to whatever they are coaching, in this case their study.
And, for sure, both parents and coaches want teenagers to achieve their goals and achieve their potential. I believe both parent and coach will be helping with things like resilience and reflection when things don’t go well, but also, a parent will likely be more involved with personal guidance, morals, ethics and personal decisions. A Coach will be more focused on helping them achieve their goals by developing the skills, strategies and techniques that they need to do it: giving them a way to practise, and get expert feedback to help them hone and uplevel the things they need to in order to achieve their goals.
In fact, sometimes, understandably, I think that parents are actually a little worried about their teen really going for their goals, which I totally get. Because parents worry about the impact if their teen doesn’t achieve a goal. You know that you will be the one to try to console them, to pick them back up - having to teach them that resilience we just mentioned.
Whereas for a Coach - a coaches actual job is to help your teen reach their goals. To have them do it in a sustainable, controlled - i.e. no luck needed - way. That is their key purpose.
And so, when you’re talking with your teen, maybe think about which hat you want to be wearing in that moment. It might even be worth telling them which hat you’re wearing when you’re saying something.
Sometimes I’ve said to students, well as your teacher I’ll say this. And when I’m coaching students, I’ll say something like, well, “as your study coach I’m going to be blunt here”. I’ll say to the whole group - “okay, now get ready because I’m going to give you some tough truths, but that’s what we’re all here for, right?” I know that as a parent, you might need to tread more lightly, that bluntness is not often an option.
Now, if you know that your teen would be more amenable to training with someone other than you or willing to get coaching and constructive feedback from an expert outside of their household, that they can get on board with, then I want you to know that all students who complete the 10 Week Grade Transformation Program are eligible to come join me in Next Level Coaching. This is where we uplevel the training from the 10WGT and really apply it tactically and strategically to your teen’s own study, in detail, and see it in action with the coaching and tasks of other students too.
AND - they can get a taste of this from the very beginning. Every student in the 10 Week Grade Transformation Program gets to come to 3 of these live group coaching calls. They can ask any questions and be coached personally in applying all the skills, strategies and techniques that they learn in the 10WGT to their own tasks, assessments and any part of their study.
This is just one of the bonuses that is included with every enrolment in the 10WGT but ALSO right now this week, as part of the live 5 day event I’m running right now for parents of Teens Aiming HIGH in exams, I’m also sharing a special invitation for the 10 Week Grade Transformation Program at the end of Friday’s VIP masterclass. That invitation will also include 2 extra bonuses that are not usually included in the 10WGT, so you’ll definitely want to come to that particular session LIVE to get in on those.
So, I hope you’ve gained some useful insights from this episode and learnt a little bit more about the two programs that I run: the 10 WGT - the 10 Week Grade Transformation Program - the critical training for students in Years 9 to 12 or Year 13 depending on your school system. And then Next Level Coaching my monthly coaching program, where your teen can take everything further, with personal coaching, monthly focus challenges, events like our recent Essays Bootcamp, and much more.
So, I really hope I’ll see you in the Facebook group this week: go to www.gradetransformation.com/group to get access for free and I’ll meet you back here on the podcast next week.